Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Okay, so this time I'm actually going to share with you how I'm doing and not just leave an ambiguous poem. By the way, the poem was kind of symbollic of me wanting to get to know God in a deepr way. or something along those lines. oh well. It's time, though, to share a little bit of what I'm learning.
Or maybe I should start in a better, but more difficult place, with what I'm unlearning. Being around people all the time this semester has shown me plenty of things about myself, and more than anything I've come to the realization that I am just a selfish person. Plain and simple. It's easier to mask at school because I have more control over when I see people and stuff like that, but I'm being exposed for the selfish person I am over here...
But you know what that's doing? It's driving me closer to Jesus.
I have never so much in my life felt the blessed detachment from people as I have for the past several weeks. Let me explain. You know when you find that drink at the coffee shop that you really like, how you just look forward to getting it whenever you can. At first you just get it every once in a while, and it's something that just brings you incredible joy (or at least it does to me), But then when you start drinking it more frequently it loses its novelty and you then drink it out of necessity.
I think that's a good picture of what I tend to do with people, and what God is helping me unlearn. God is helping me desire Him more than anything, to spend more time with Him than I do other people, to spend more time quietly alone. And through that, I can appreciate people more, like the coffee thing. But when I substitute people for God, I get like a coffee drinker who is addicted to coffee and no longer drinks it for enjoyment but drinks it for necessity. I start being around people and using relationships to GET things out of the interactions.
So I'm at this point where I feel wonderfully detached of people, but yet at the same time more able to see the beauty in relationships. I am finding that I want to spend more time alone quietly with God. I am learning to come closer to Him and let Him take care of all those other things in life.
and it is a BLESSING. I'm still, of course, making the same mistakes everyday of treating people with less compassion and respect than they deserve, but God is working in my heart. in other words, i'm
You know you are alive when you can feel the strings in your heart being tugged to the point of breaking, and you realize that it is just God making more room in your heart for Him and for other people. He's making your heart bigger. It hurts, but only through that pain will your heart grow to hold all the love that God has. And get ready, because God will only keep enlargening your heart because His love is such that we have no way to describe it and no way to measure it. It just keeps coming. so Lord, please keep me